Saturday, January 8, 2011

Ten Things I Wish I Knew


As we jump the hurdles to fifty and beyond, we find that there are many things we know for sure. Alas, the things we do not know, intrigue us too. My list of things unknown is long. Fear not gentle readers. I will limit my rants and ramblings to just ten things about which, I wish I knew.

1. I wish I knew how to operate my TV. It seems that we always have extra remote controls. Where do they come from? Do they multiply? Why is it that the buttons are so small? I would prefer to have less buttons and be able to see them. I don’t use most of them anyway. I want one remote, with large buttons, that does not take an electrical engineer to program or operate?  Where can I find this? I wish I knew.

2. I wish I knew where stubbornness comes from. For several years in my teens and early twenties, I worked as a waitress. I would cheerfully place bubbling lasagna dishes on the table and say with a big smile “Please be careful. These are really hot.” At least fifty percent of the time, they would go ahead and touch the fiery things anyway and then quickly pull back and say something like. “Boy you weren’t kidding there were you? Har Har Har, Yuk Yuk Yuk!!” Naturally, I would bite my tongue and feign concern, as my tip would have been greatly reduced if I had said, “I told you so.” People hate that even more that they hate being told what to do. Why are we like this? I wish I knew.

3. I wish I knew where the extra socks go. How do they vanish so completely? I would think that someday one would find them, tucked under a sofa cushion, or behind the dryer. Does the washing machine eat them? Somewhere there must exist, a surplus of socks and mittens and the other halves of things that are supposed to come in twos. There must be a method to finding these things. I wish I knew.

4. I wish I knew north from south from east from west. You see, I am, and have always been, directionally challenged. Without map and compass I am a goner. When taking down directions I prefer left and right as I then raise my chances by 50% that I will choose correctly. I ride along to the same destination, over and over, and will pay absolutely no attention as to how to get there. I have no extra room in my brain for such trivia. Even a wrong turn can lead to the most interesting places. After all, I have GPS and my husband in times of crisis. Even so I wish I knew.

5. I wish I knew why most men are quite certain that they are attractive, capable and of superior intelligence, no matter what their age, size, or background and most women do not. Why are we not better at tooting our own horns? Why do we shoot each other down? Why don’t we stand up and pat ourselves on the back more often and then turn to our sisters and say.” You Go Girl!” I wish I knew.

6. I wish I knew how to play the piano. For those of you that have taken the time to develop your musical talent I salute you! As a girl, I fancied myself as a singer, even though I wasn’t. I took a few guitar lessons. I even sang and played once, albeit very badly, on a local TV talent show. My parents sat and dutifully watched and supported me, as parents do when their kids are attempting to excel at something that they have no real aptitude or talent for. Over time, responsibilities took over and the need to sing was pushed aside. Now I find myself at the age where I worry less and less about appearing foolish and I sing loudly and often, in the car, on the deck after a few glasses of wine, and even in the shower from time to time. I think that my hands would love to get into the action too. For this reason, I wish I knew.

7. I wish I knew where I put my ………(Insert, car keys, glasses, cell phone, portable phone, remote control, nook book, and any number of charger cords.) Try as I might I never seem to have them all in the right place. Quite often I empty the entire contents of my purse onto the countertop only to hear the phone ringing from another room. I lose minutes each day, hours each week, and days each year, looking for these things. Even with all of this searching and groping for lost items, my husband still finds that my skills in this area are stronger than his. He does quite often expect that I possess some form of tracking device that renders me capable of locating his wayward belongings too. How does this work? I wish I knew.

8. I wish I knew when the moment was when I suddenly became so..…(Insert, old, tired, discombobulated, invisible, hot!!!!) Sometimes I play the “what if” game and I stand in front of the mirror and speculate where a nip and a tuck might help my situation and I ponder how I may turn back the clock in some way, shape, and form. A night on the town takes time to prepare for as I pack myself into an under suit of licra that I call my “sausage casing”, apply makeup to my makeup and attempt to form my dry, graying hair into some reasonably acceptable style that fits within the current decade. How did this happen? I wish I knew.

9. I wish I knew why it seems to be a requirement to have fluorescent lighting in all dressing rooms. Hello marketing people!! We don’t really want to see all of the details. Lie to us! Dim the lights! Give us wine and candlelight! Make us believe we are beautiful and we will whip out those credit cards so fast it will give you whiplash. After all, if you believe you are, you are. I wonder why the same lighting is used for clothes shopping as it is for buying a shovel. I wish I knew.

10. I wish I knew when it became a crime to eat a cookie. Here I am, on that soapbox again! I can’t help myself. I try to be good, I really do. I wish I knew how to politely silence the dinner companion, who drones on about his or her diet and worries about each bite until you want to run from the table and hide. As good hostesses we try to provide choices for guests who do not care to imbibe in the vino or the carbs and only wish we could find a way to say, “Please make your choices and then suffer in silence if you must, so that you don’t ruin it for the rest of us.” The Europeans have this down. They have their cake and crème brulée too. How can we do this? I wish I knew.

Dear friends and readers please provide the answers to these questions of mine. I could use some tips, some helpful hints, even tid bits will do. How about you? Are there things that you wish you knew?


J Goode said...

Can anyone help me with the answers to these questions? Anyone?

lw said...

All very good questions. Another question that I have is,when did it become socially acceptable to spent time on the telephone at the dinner table? Whether it is to text, check messages or to speak with someone else, does anyone else find this rude?